#JointheConversation
During my 8½ year tenure at PCS (Psychological Counseling Services, Ltd) I sat in many sessions during the PCS intensives with some clients (most clients were from out-of-state) who expressed their reluctance to step outside their zone of familiarity. They were sitting in the middle of an extensive and extended outpatient treatment process with others and seemingly having strong insights and meaningful awareness as it pertains to their particular addiction or situation. Yet, these particular clients were expressly reluctant to plan on staying connected to their new peers at that time with whom they had been open and transparent and the peers themselves had been vulnerable and deeply honest about their pasts and painful choices. Equally these clients were adamant that back home they hadn’t been connecting with their peers outside of their regular recovery meetings either. These clients expressed various ways that they weren’t good at that sort of thing nor were they comfortable with that. Curious, I regularly inquired as to the hesitation to form bonds of support back home or with their new PCS peers beyond that current week, as this was often a recommendation for increased likelihood of recovery and accountability. These clients stated things such as, “I have tried inviting my peers to go out or to hang out after hours but they have declined or couldn’t. I am certain that if they would go with me then I would find that more comfortable for me to ask them to exchange numbers for continued contact after the Intensive we are in.” But due to their peers not taking these clients up on their offers, even for legitimate reasons, these clients would express that they had done their part and that was that, and nothing more could be done… and this was often about as far as they would try even back home.
“Oh really?” I would say. And in many of those moments I was struck with a memory of an old parable I would share of a man searching for wisdom from a great master guru and the lesson of fighting for your life despite limitations, doubts, and fears, culminating with the thought…
After recounting this parable and its message I would look into these clients’ eyes and say, “When you want your marriage, your integrity, your family, your health, and your recovery as much as you want to breathe… that’s when you’ll do whatever it takes, no matter the discomfort or unfamiliarity. To this they would typically sit there at that point, quiet and pensive… and eventually respond with something to the effect of… “Mark, that’s a hard truth to hear… and even harder to ignore. "I know what I need to do. But how do I do it?” To that I would say, “I’m so glad you asked, because there is hope!” And that is when the next level of their work continued.
These clients are no different from average citizens. As humans go we tend to stick with the familiar and comfortable. However, as experience has taught us, it is the adversity, the discomfort, and the challenge that pushes us to new and greater heights. This was so in my own healing journey, and so it has been for so many of my clients along the path of my career. Thus, I look forward to many more of them being encouraged and challenged to step beyond the familiar and into the initially uncomfortable recovery path.
Mark Bell, LMFT, CSAT: a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT) and a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) currently with Arizona Family Institute whose career includes almost 9 years at Psychological Counseling Services in Scottsdale, AZ as a member of the PCS Intensive Outpatient Program and nearly 3 years as a primary therapist in Hattiesburg, MS at Gentle Path, an in-patient treatment center for Sexual Addiction under the direction of Dr. Patrick Carnes. Most importantly, Mark has been married 14 years to his wife, Dyan, and together they are the parents of 5 kids… all boys!" You can find out more about Mark and his practice at Arizona Family Institute.
Blog Disclaimer
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) sponsors this blog for the purpose of furthering dialog in the field of problematic sexual behaviors and their treatment. Blog authors are encouraged to share their thoughts and share their knowledge. However, SASH does not necessarily endorse the content or conclusions of bloggers.
Information in blogs may not always be complete, up-to-date, accurate, relevant, or applicable to all situations. Legislation, case law, standards, regulations, descriptions of products and services, and other information are often complex and can change rapidly. Always double-check and confirm that any information you find on the internet is accurate, current, and complete in regard to your specific situation, question, concern, or interests.
This website and its agents make no promises, guarantees, representations, or warranties, expressed or implied, and assume no duty or liability with regard to the information contained herein or associated in any way therewith. No legal or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. The inclusion of external hyperlinks does not constitute endorsement, recommendation, or approval of those sites or their contents. This website bears no responsibility for the accuracy, legality or content of the external sites or for that of subsequent links. Those who visit or use this website, links or any other information assume all risks associated therewith.
Many betrayed partners enter therapy in a state of shock and disbelief, reeling from the discovery of their partner’s extracurricular sexual behaviors. They sit on my couch and tell me they had no idea, not even an inkling, of what their significant other was doing. They have been caught off guard, unaware, and they can’t believe this is happening to them.
I listen to their stories, and I know that their shock and bewilderment is real and they truly did not know what was happening. But, at the same time, I also know that they did know.
I know this because in the weeks that follow they inevitably tell me stories about their relationship and various clues they overlooked. I hear about previous infidelities; about finding pornography, condoms, and secret Internet accounts; about changes in the nature of their sex life and their sense of emotional intimacy; about conversations, conflicts, accusations, and denials all indicating the presence of a problem.
Yet they still did not know. Even though they knew.
How does this happen? How do betrayed partners know but not know? And where does the part of them that does know go?
In the past, this type of behavior has been labelled “denial” and addressed as a form of codependence on the part of the betrayed partner. Today, thanks to an enormous amount of research on attachment, affect regulation, and the mind-body connection, we have new models that help us dig deeper and better understand the function and purpose of these knowing-but-not-knowing behaviors.
Jennifer Freyd, PhD, one of the seminal researchers on the topic of betrayal trauma, has spent years investigating why people don’t allow themselves to see the betrayal that is unfolding right in front of their eyes and why they do not remember the traumas after they have happened. In short, she has explored the question, “What would make someone literally not see and not know that which is easily seeable and knowable?”
To answer to this question, Freyd has connected what we know about the nature of human attachment with what we know about the ways in which humans are hardwired to respond to traumatic events.
When we pair up and enter into a long-term relationship, we begin a process of bonding with one another that is a beautiful and profound intertwining of two lives. In this mysterious attachment, we start to physically operate as one biological organism. As attachment experts Rachel Heller and Amir Levine write, “Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing and the levels of hormones in our blood.”[1]
As our bond grows through perhaps getting married, combining our homes, having children together, and working toward common goals, we become more and more interdependent with one another. And this is not codependency. This is healthy, normal, mutual dependency – the basic interconnectivity that makes relationships fulfilling and sought after.
If it is true that when we attach to someone healthy and functional, it feels good and provides a sense of security, grounding, safety, and wholeness, then the opposite is also true. When we attach to someone who is less than healthy – sexually addicted, for example – it can affect our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health in teeth-rattling ways.
Instead of grounding us, it puts us in freefall. Instead of security, we experience fear. Because our partner has caused us such deep pain, that individual now feels like a threat to our wellbeing rather than a source of comfort and safety. This danger is often experienced as a primal threat to the our emotional, psychological, and perhaps even physical survival.
When we experience events that create a sense of threat or danger, whether physical or emotional, the threat center in our brains (the amygdala) lights up and we react to the threat in one of three hardwired ways. We fight, confronting the threat in order to remove it and return to safety, or we flee, withdrawing from the threat to a place where we are safe, or we freeze, staying in place while our body shuts down and our minds go numb. Generally, if we can fight or flee, we will. When fight and flight are not available (or are perceived as unavailable), our freeze response kicks in.
Based on her research, Freyd has argued that the behaviors of not seeing and not knowing in those dealing with betrayal trauma are forms of the freeze response.[2] Rather than confronting the cheating partner or withdrawing from the relationship, betrayed partners go numb and fail to witness and process information about the betrayal. This allows them to continue operating in the relationship as though it remains safe. It allows them to preserve the relational bond that they often unconsciously believe they need to survive.
When we bring together what we know about attachment theory and how our threat response system operates, it creates the following equation for betrayed partners:
Freyd has called this survival-based form of not seeing and not knowing “betrayal blindness.”[3] One of the most important things to note about betrayal blindness is that it is an unconscious process. Betrayed partners are not consciously saying to themselves, “I don’t think I’ll let myself know about that.” Instead, their bodies register danger before the information moves into conscious awareness. Their coping strategies instinctually move to protect them by blocking out the information, rationalizing it away, or in some way keeping it from landing in conscious awareness where they would have to deal with it. This instinctual survival response ensures that one plus one does not ever add up to two in ways that would rob them of their primary relationship and the sense of safety and connection it provides.
Understanding the internal unconscious mechanisms driving betrayal blindness is imperative in order to treat betrayal blindness effectively while avoiding further unintentional, traumatization of the betrayed partner. Betrayed partners need active intervention balanced with empathic support to move out of the state of simultaneously knowing but not knowing into a state of fully integrated conscious awareness.
My experience working with betrayed partners has shown that clients come out of betrayal blindness as their internal capacity to cope with the information they have been avoiding grows. Often, the initial therapeutic task is to grow the person’s internal strength, confidence, and sense of self to the point that they are able to look fully at what is happening in their relationship and survive it emotionally, even when it is incredibly painful. This is a slow and gentle process, requiring a skilled therapist who can balance challenging the client’s defenses with nonjudgmental empathetic support.
This process begins to move the client into a more conscious form of knowing but not knowing. They become aware of the not knowing and the purpose and function of that coping mechanism. With support, they are able to consider what it would be like to allow themselves to know and they start to imagine a world in which they can tolerate the information, survive it emotionally and begin to integrate it fully into their experience.
Michelle Mays LPC, CSAT-S is the founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Relational Recovery with offices in Leesburg, VA and Washington DC. She has spent the last 16 years specializing in treating sex addiction, betrayal trauma, relationship issues and childhood trauma. She is also the founder of PartnerHope, an online resource for betrayed partners and has recently published the book, The Aftermath of Betrayal.
References
[1] Levine, A. & Heller R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. Penguin.
[2] Freyd, J., & Birrell, P. (2013). Blind to betrayal: Why we fool ourselves we aren't being fooled. John Wiley & Sons.
[3] Ibid.
Blog Disclaimer
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) sponsors this blog for the purpose of furthering dialog in the field of problematic sexual behaviors and their treatment. Blog authors are encouraged to share their thoughts and share their knowledge. However, SASH does not necessarily endorse the content or conclusions of bloggers.
Information in blogs may not always be complete, up-to-date, accurate, relevant, or applicable to all situations. Legislation, case law, standards, regulations, descriptions of products and services, and other information are often complex and can change rapidly. Always double-check and confirm that any information you find on the internet is accurate, current, and complete in regard to your specific situation, question, concern, or interests.
This website and its agents make no promises, guarantees, representations, or warranties, expressed or implied, and assume no duty or liability with regard to the information contained herein or associated in any way therewith. No legal or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. The inclusion of external hyperlinks does not constitute endorsement, recommendation, or approval of those sites or their contents. This website bears no responsibility for the accuracy, legality or content of the external sites or for that of subsequent links. Those who visit or use this website, links or any other information assume all risks associated therewith.
For those in recovery, journaling may be a common practice. It is the process of recording your thoughts on a regular basis. The value in doing this exercise is it often provides clarity in thoughts that may be in our minds or it allows one to visually experience and see the words that clutter the recesses of our brains. No matter the reason for practicing journaling daily, there are many ways to do it. Some people put pen to paper. Others use electronic media to type or draw. Some people paint or make things (think of art as therapy).
Images have often been used to record important historical events. Petroglyphs depicting a successful hunt were created with charcoal from a fire. Later sharp stones were employed to make images on rocks (petroglyphs).
One of this country’s founding fathers, Ben Franklin, used a daily journal that he called a “scheme.” As part of this scheme, every morning he asked himself, “what good shall I do today,” followed by “what good have I done today,” every evening.
Business owners, may use this technique to document events that take place within the business. This was a natural routine of Virgin Group owner Sir Richard Branson who used a book style journal to capture written events, drawings, and doodles.
From a mental health perspective, it can be very helpful to engage in a routine of self-reflection. Your emotions, thoughts and behaviors change and journaling is a good way to see how those changes have taken place over a lifetime or a period of time. Much like how a photo album reveals how your physical appearance has changed over time, a hard copy journal shows how your interior world has also changed.
In my personal family tree, there are at least four family members who were diagnosed with schizophrenia. For one of these individuals, I had the opportunity to see drawings they completed over the course of several decades. When reviewing these it really struck me that what they drew and how they drew seemed to parallel how they lived life over time. This really helped me understand their interior world much better.
I recommend journaling to many of the clients I see in my therapy practice. Many of these clients report that they benefit from a routine of self-reflection while journaling and when shared in a counseling session there is an additional benefit to the work we do together. Journaling also helps cement the connection and recall to the written issues.
To get the most out of your journaling practice, consider incorporating three things: images, felt-sense, and words.
Images. Researchers have shown and psychological theory supports the belief that images allow for better recall of events compared to using only words (citations below). Artistry and artistic talent is not necessary so add the drawing or doodle. Any doodle will do. Thin and thick. Bold and subtle. Single color or lots of colors. Abstract and detailed. It really doesn’t matter.
Felt-sense. As you draw, doodle, or write, pay attention to your body. Are there sensations in your body, breathing changes, certain thoughts or feelings? Maybe a song pops into your head or you experience different temperature changes. What occurs is less important to that you’re noticing it.
Words. You may find if you combine images and your felt-sense, then words will flow easier, and this will lead to deeper self-understanding or connections and aha moments. This is because you are engaging both sides of the brain. The body and mind are connected when a writing or drawing tool is handled creating an atmosphere for drawing and feeling. And that leads to more meaningful writing.
I recommend journaling using hardcopy, that is pen or pencil to paper. However, for those people who are more comfortable with electronic media, there are several apps that allow various ways to record your thoughts, emotions, and felt sense. These apps can be just as helpful for some people, but they are not for everybody.
Whether you use a hardcopy journal or an electronic version, consider journaling on a daily basis to enhance your life journey.
Bill Stoner is a mental health counselor and author of, “Journaling the InnerLenz Way,” a workbook that teaches innovative ways to incorporate images, felt-sense, and words into a regular journaling practice. Further information is available at InnerLenz.com.
Partial list of research used:
Alesandrini, K.L “Pictures and Adult Learning,” Instr Sci (1984) 13: 63. doi:10.1007/BF00051841
Alvermann, Donna, E, “The Compensatory Effect of Graphic Organizers on Descriptive Text”, in The Journal of Educational Research Vol. 75 , Iss. 1,1981. Retrieved 27 May 2017 from:
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00220671.1981.10885354?src=recsys
Friedman, Michael C., “Notes on Note-Taking: Review of Research and Insights for Students and Instructors,” Harvard Initiative for Learning and Teaching Harvard University. Retrieved 27 May 2017 from: http://hilt.harvard.edu/files/hilt/files/notetaking_0.pdf
Houts, Peter, S et al “The role of pictures in improving health communication: A review of research on attention, comprehension, recall, and adherence,” in Patient Education and Counseling, Volume 61 , Issue 2 , 173 – 190. Retrieved 27 May 2017 from: http://www.pec-journal.com/article/S0738-3991(05)00146-1/fulltext?cc=y=
Jung, Carl G, ed. “Man and his Symbols,” Dell Publishing 1954
Roeckelein, Jon E, “Imagery in Psychology: A reference Guide,” Praeger Publishers, 2004
Shelburne, Walter A, “Mythos and Logos in the Thought of Carl Jung,” State of University of New York Press, Albany, New York, 1988
Blog Disclaimer
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) sponsors this blog for the purpose of furthering dialog in the field of problematic sexual behaviors and their treatment. Blog authors are encouraged to share their thoughts and share their knowledge. However, SASH does not necessarily endorse the content or conclusions of bloggers.
Information in blogs may not always be complete, up-to-date, accurate, relevant, or applicable to all situations. Legislation, case law, standards, regulations, descriptions of products and services, and other information are often complex and can change rapidly. Always double-check and confirm that any information you find on the internet is accurate, current, and complete in regard to your specific situation, question, concern, or interests.
This website and its agents make no promises, guarantees, representations, or warranties, expressed or implied, and assume no duty or liability with regard to the information contained herein or associated in any way therewith. No legal or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. The inclusion of external hyperlinks does not constitute endorsement, recommendation, or approval of those sites or their contents. This website bears no responsibility for the accuracy, legality or content of the external sites or for that of subsequent links. Those who visit or use this website, links or any other information assume all risks associated therewith.
Imagine the following scenario: your work life has been growing in complexity for several years and what started as occasional viewing of pornography to ‘ease that stress’ has grown to become a nightly habit of hours spent hidden away from your wife and children and the eventual discovery by your wife of disturbing and upsetting pornographic material on the family computer. And this was before she knew about the use of escort services when you claimed to be ‘working late’.
Being discovered led to a dramatic emotional breakdown and a lapse into depressive and suicidal thinking. A close friend intervened and recommended a treatment centre. You spent 2 months learning all about yourself and your relationship with compulsive sexual behaviours. You received many suggestions about how to rebuild your life and you are now about to leave treatment and return home to confused children and an angry wife. The treatment centre recommended a therapist and you are looking forward to your first weekly session. What you are not looking forward to is how to deal with the other 167 hours in the week!
Recovery coaches help bridge the gap between treatment and life. In her song, ‘Cold’, Annie Lennox sings that,
“Dying is easy; it’s living that scares me to death”.
One could argue that living in active addiction is a slow and lingering death. To many addicts, dying does seem like an easier way out.
Entering a treatment centre is making a choice to ‘live’ and centres do an amazing job at filling in the holes in the emotional education an addict likely missed as a child. And having become stable and having started to feel safe and nurtured within the protective walls of a treatment centre, many find the prospect of leaving it utterly terrifying.
Few have any practical knowledge of living free of addiction. Where are all the ‘anonymous meetings’ mentioned in treatment? How will one re-engage with one’s partner? What is ‘healthy sex’? Who is going to clean the ‘stash’ of pornography off the family computer? The prospect of implementing the myriad suggestions received in the treatment centre can be overwhelming. So many questions and very few people from whom to find the answers!
Whilst not an exhaustive list, here are some of the things with which a coach can help -
A question you might already be asking is; ‘what is the difference between a sponsor, a therapist and a coach?’ The importance of and benefits to seeing a therapist cannot be overstated. It is crucial for a client to be exploring whatever traumas unfolded in early childhood, to come to terms with what was experienced and endured and to seek ever deepening acceptance around such deep issues. Delving into past trauma and pain should always be done in a safe and qualified environment and this is the job of a therapist.
A 12-step meeting sponsor is another excellent support and can be sought as early as possible in recovery. They provide a safe emotional haven and a familiar face during early meetings in what can otherwise be a confusing and daunting environment. A sponsor, however, is unlikely to have the breadth of knowledge required to help expand horizons beyond what they may have heard in meetings. A sponsor may also have their own challenges and may have limited time to offer someone new to the whole recovery journey. And of course, you’ve got to actually find and attend a meeting to find a sponsor in the first place!
Many addicts report that they have never felt truly ‘seen or heard’ by anybody. It is not a coincidence that this is exactly what trained coaches are trained to do: to see and hear their clients. For some people, being truly seen and heard can in itself be transformational. It is then the job of a coach to take what is seen and heard and to help a client explore their strengths and weaknesses with much greater clarity and purpose.
Coaching is a guided process. Coaches are trained to guide with the use of powerful questions that allow a client to arrive at their own conclusions and thus, fundamentally, to answer their own questions. What better way to empower a client with a deeper sense of self and growing self-confidence?
Relapse is an inherent challenge: while one might wish for a perfect and relapse-free recovery, reality tends to bring us back to earth with a bump as we learn to face life in the real world and to embrace the reactions of others we may have hurt along the way. How much help could it therefore be to turn to someone who truly understands what you are going through; someone who has possibly ‘been there and done it’; who has taken the time to understand themselves and their interaction with others; who has been trained to see and hear you; and whose goal is to help motivate you to pursuits and behaviours far more conducive to a happier and healthy life?
There is a large gap to fill in addiction after-care and there is a role for coaches to play in guiding clients through the fragile and overwhelming early days of addiction recovery. Coaches work hand in glove with treatment centres, councilors, therapists and other clinical professionals to expand the sphere of help available to those finally choosing to bring change to their life.
The larger the team of trained professionals working together in the field of recovery after-care, the greater the chances of helping clients avoid the painful depths of relapse and remain on the stepping stones to solid recovery Never has there been a greater need to strengthen the support available to people leaving treatment as they re-enter life without the help of their old addictive ‘friend’ to lure them off course. Make a coach a part of the aftercare team and let a coach be the person to whom the recovering addict can turn, a safe port in which to become familiar with the realities of life on the path through addiction recovery.
Mark Drax is an independent Addiction Recovery Coach and spends his time coaching private clients and groups of men on both sides of the Atlantic. He holds a business degree and is an accredited coach with the International Coaching Federation (ICF). He is a SASH Board Member.
#riskybusiness #ITalkSexualHealth #SASH_JointheConversation
Blog Disclaimer
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) sponsors this blog for the purpose of furthering dialog in the field of problematic sexual behaviors and their treatment. Blog authors are encouraged to share their thoughts and share their knowledge. However, SASH does not necessarily endorse the content or conclusions of bloggers.
Information in blogs may not always be complete, up-to-date, accurate, relevant, or applicable to all situations. Legislation, case law, standards, regulations, descriptions of products and services, and other information are often complex and can change rapidly. Always double-check and confirm that any information you find on the internet is accurate, current, and complete in regard to your specific situation, question, concern, or interests.
This website and its agents make no promises, guarantees, representations, or warranties, expressed or implied, and assume no duty or liability with regard to the information contained herein or associated in any way therewith. No legal or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. The inclusion of external hyperlinks does not constitute endorsement, recommendation, or approval of those sites or their contents. This website bears no responsibility for the accuracy, legality or content of the external sites or for that of subsequent links. Those who visit or use this website, links or any other information assume all risks associated therewith.
